WHAT IS SEX ALL ABOUT

What Do You Mean By Sex?


Whether you want more or less sex, what does it mean to you when you say you want sex? Do you want specific behaviors, specific outcomes (e.g. an orgasm)? Do you want more intimacy, more connection or more attention paid to you? We all assume we know what we mean when we say “sex” but sex has many meanings, and you should start by clarifying for yourself what sex means to you. At some point that’s something you can communicate to your partner.



Define the Issue for Yourself

It’s rare that one of you will be dissatisfied while the other is completely happy. Even if you like things the way they are, how do you feel about your partner’s dissatisfaction with your sex life? Does this issue feel like a relationship “deal breaker,” something that will have to be fixed or it will destroy your relationship? Does this feel like something that is less important to you than finding compromise on raising kids, or work or family? If you find out that your partner prioritizes sex differently than you, are you willing to compromise to stay in the relationship?



Describe Your Sex Drive

Your interest in sex is connected to many parts of your life. Have you taken the time to think about how your own history and your current life have influenced your interest in sex? One way to explore this for yourself is to write out your sexual history. This may not be something you share with your partner, but having a better understanding of your sexual desire can help you take responsibility when talking with a partner.



When Talking Won’t Do, Write a Letter

Don’t worry about floral language or grammar. Writing down what you want to talk about is a great step to clarify your issues for yourself and practice the way you might communicate it to your partner. Some people actually write their partner a letter, and end up giving it to them at a later point. Letter writing can be a powerful way to communicate your thoughts and feelings, and if done along with talking it can increase intimacy in a relationship in surprising ways.